Count My Blessing #1: Greatest Gift from God. Our Miracle.

AND THEN THERE WERE 3 ... OUR PRECIOUS MIRACLE. 
..... THIS IS THE STORY

I cried for the very first time when they put Mikhael on my chest right after delivery. It was very emotional. Hubby thought that I was crying because I was still in a lot of pain. He calmed me down saying that it’s all over, I have delivered a healthy baby boy. And then I watch as the baby was given his injection and as hubby recite the azan to his ear. If only I can frame this moment.

You see, I was not quite emotional when the doctor told me that I was pregnant. Well, we were only half expecting after many failed attempts. And again no emotion when we heard the baby’s heartbeat for the very first time. But that very moment when the loud cry came, I surrendered to emotion. It was all so beautiful. Aaron Mikhael is our miracle.

We had a tough long distance relationship in the first 2 years of our marriage. I was posted 400kms away from my husband, spending only weekends together. After numerous failed attempts to get pregnant, I insisted to seek help. I brave myself to seek treatment at UM Specialist Centre and then went on to Tropicana to seek answers.

Strangely, none of the doctors found anything wrong with hubby and I but he started me on Clomid anyway to increase my chances (secretly I was hoping that I will be pregnant with twins). It was not after a few months later that the Tropicana specialist found 2 large cysts on each side of my ovary and scheduled me for an operation. And during that very operation that he actually found out that I had endometriosis (which is when tissues lines the uterus grows outside the uterus) which has affected my fertility all these while.

An operation that was just intended to remove these 2 non-harmful cysts that doctor said was not the cause of my infertility became a life changing operation. We would never know I had endo if I did not insist to go for the operation. And Alhamdulilah God was gracious that we found out later that the company covers my 8k operation. Things worked out perfectly.

And this was exactly 1 year ago today….

I spent the next 2 weeks at home resting with lots of well-wishes and people coming over to visit. I was touched that even abah came eventhough he was unwell and been acting quite non-sociable. It was as if he knew that he had to come to see me to show his full support. It was when he passed away a couple of weeks after that I took that as a sign that I should schedule my IUI right away. 

I know that abah has long to see this daughter of his having children of her own. The treatment took place the 2 weeks after he passed away. And it was an immediate success the first time. It felt like abah was there during it all, and praying for me. 

Mika is God’s gift to us when he took abah away.

This is what a friend wrote to me after abah passed away,

“If we ever wonder why they left us too soon, we must maintain a good opinion of God; be content; that He took them away when they were the closest they had ever been to Him, when they were in the highest state of spirituality than they could ever achieve. That He, in his infinite wisdom, has chosen the best of times.

They, nonetheless, await our du'a more than ever. This is the moment they need us most. When the bittersweet memories engulf us, don't be overcome by grief. Muster the strength to pray for them to be amongst His loved ones. With du'a, He the most merciful has given us a chance to redeem ourselves to prove our love, if we had not been the best daughters when their hearts were still beating.

As the tears roll down our cheeks, know in our hearts that they have not left us; for we are moving towards them. They are more alive that we are - that they now reside in the abode of reality while we remain in the abode of dream. “

And when I look at Mika, he reminded me so much of abah. It is as if he is still looking out for his children and praying for our best health.

These 1 year has been a roller-coaster emotion for my family. But still I feel blessed. Mika is our blessing from God when He took a life so dear to us away.

Count my blessing … Aaron Mikhael, you are the greatest gift God has given us.

CMB #1 sneak preview : Welcome baby Aaron Mikhael

So i wanted to start this little project of mine by writing about this miracle of ours. We have been trying for the longest time, and we have explored the possible options and God has finally answered our prayers. 

More about this journey tomorrow, when i will tell you more about this blessing of mine. 

COUNT MY BLESSING #1 - Aaron Mikhael

Aaron is Haron, the brother of Prophet Musa.  He was also referred to as the messenger, as he spoke even better than his brother. 

Mikhael is often known as the angel of mercy. It is said that Mikhael is the angel of sustenance, rewarding rezeki for those deserving

This is our very own Aaron Mikhael, our miracle. 

Daddy is beaming with pride and joy. 
Mommy is resting well and enjoying the late night company.
Baby can't wait to meet all of you and see what the world has to offer. 

Indeed baby Mika will be a distinguished speaker and bring good fortune to everyone all year round. 

Happiness Project - Count Your Blessing

POSITIVE THINGS HAPPEN TO POSITIVE PEOPLE

Well no one likes to be with unhappy people. People love to see be around positive people so that they hope that some of that vibe will rub off on them. That’s why some people are miss popular and some people, well they just are not.

Things have been quite depressing for me as I get older. I used to be this chirpy bubbly girl with lots of energy to do just about anything, to try almost every single thing and to be brave to seek experience. Lately, I have been lazy. Sometimes I tend to blame everything and everyone else around me. Why is it that I am experiencing so much hormonal change when things are actually going well?

When my dad passed away, I started reading happy books. Those self-help book ie. Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project best seller which I hope would guide me towards a self-fulfilling life. I was at the lowest point in my life, and I even took the time to write to her. She kindly replied back, and it thrilled me knowing that she personally replied back that particular email. But that excitement just lasted a month. 

It then became one of the books on the shelves that I hardly touch again. My 12 months resolution didn’t quite match the achievement, and there goes the little project down the drain. I was moving on and focusing on other things deemed important.

I started the same cycle of negativity, hoping that something new would trigger that super-achiever mode in me. I wanted to be my old self again. I started following a lot of these happy people on instagram, hoping that yes, some of it will rub off on me. But it got too depressing sometimes looking at happy people with their perfect life. And you realize that they are all friends of each other, and there are certain traits these people have. It is true when people say, “Birds of a feather flock together”.

It is now a life mission. I want to be that bubbly girl people used to know. Or that super-achiever-very-determined-Ms popular. And for that, I just need to be a bit more focus. Maybe I should start exercising again (yes once confinement is over) to produce that happy adrenaline.

And even when I am down or restless, I should force myself to smile and have happy thought. Fake it till you make it. Today didn’t start all too well, but today will be happy-day-1. I want to start that epic change and be happy. Don’t we all deserve to be? How do you keep yourself happy?

So this is my new project (didn't i say i wanted to stop. duhh). 

I will count my blessings every day, if not every week. I am going to be grateful every day for every single thing that happen in my life, even if it was a blast from the past. Because then i would probably realise that my life is not all too bad. I should learn to be grateful, and then i could find it in me to be totally happy. Maybe that will trigger that self-achiever mode in me again. I can do this! 

Count my blessing. 

*Sunday reflection, feeling dehydrated, lonely, suddenly excited. 

A Mother's Note to His Son - Happy Father's Day

Dear Mika,

There’s so many things that a mother can tell their sons about life. But I don’t think you would want a nagging mother telling you what to do. You would always be mommy’s boy but perhaps heed advice from your father most of the time. Like when mommy says NO, you would run off to papa to undo whatever my instruction would be. Or when you want to marry your dream girl, perhaps papa would give you the life lessons you need to go through that life changing moment. I would always be there though, watching you, getting sentimental at all of your FIRST experiences, making pages and pages of scrapbook to capture every moment.

Sometimes I wonder what makes fathers bond (especially with their daughters) so special. I was never my father’s favorite. I grew up in a big family and with my father’s strict military routine, it is hard to say if your grandfather ever had a favorite child. He is probably the most frugal family man you meet. I hated him most of the time, as he would bring his rotan out and smack us whenever we were loud or if he hear the sounds of something breaking in the house. He can’t stand children, being away most of his life to serve the nation’s finest army. I never understood my father until after I grew up, and perhaps a little too late.

Sometimes I envy other girls parading their loving relationship with their dad, kissing them, hugging them happily. I never had that, it just felt awkward. The only moment I hug my dad was when I tried to calm him and cuddle him to sleep in the hospital bed when he refuses to put his oxygen mask on. And the only time I ever kiss him is at the mosque when he had been bathe, before they laid him to his final rest 6 feet under.

Sometimes you wish you could turn time and tell him that you understood why he was so hard on you before, that you could never ask for a better father. Given the hardship he went through when he was younger and then raising his family, you wish you have then given him the life he wanted when you grew up. But there is no use in regretting what has past.

So Mika, cherish every moment you have with your papa. Never shy away from telling him you love him, even how cheesy it may sound. Hug him always, because as they say, skin contact leaves an imprint for life. And even with multiple fights and arguments you will have with him later, always believe that whenever he raises his voice and uses that rotan, it was because he loves you unconditionally.

When you are a father yourself, perhaps you would understand. 4 weeks old and you are already getting this pep talk from this nagging mommy. I’ll save some of this emotion until Mother’s day next year.

Happy FATHER’s day, and grandFATHER’s day. 

Baby is Coming .. So When do the Tears Come?

The 2 most anticipated pregnancy moment eagerly awaited by expecting mom is to hear that first heart beat and baby’s first kick. I was excited yes, but there was no teary moment or that sappy sentimental mode that lasted for days.

You see, we waited so long for the baby that there was supposed to be drama ensued. Instead we looked at the doctor half disbelief. Like when he told me, “Puan Suhana, you are pregnant” with that straight cold face, the first reaction that came out of me was, “Are you sure?”, “Oh ok”. It’s as if you are replying to your boss or just another colleague that emotionless “Noted with thanks” instant reply, just to formally capture an acknowledgement of a response back.

I am still waiting for that heartbreaking teary moment where I would burst into tears, but we have been handling this with a lot of calmness. Yeay, baby is coming. Now let’s start planning this… and that… and yeah those too.. and why not that…. It seems like this has not sunk in yet.

Maybe later, when the back pain is unbearable and there shall be more crams at nights to wake up for. Or when I would eventually stop my planning-mode and just enjoy every single baby’s movement, maybe the tears would come … eventually.  

Dhiya Qishrina, the latest Sidik addition (and NO, not mine)

Meet Dhiya Qishrina, 2 days old. She caused quite a stir on my facebook timeline today, as people confused her with baby M. Oh no, i still have 2 months to go before baby M see the world.

But look at that angelic face. It's amazing how babies can look so peaceful, so perfect and adorable in many ways (but i know there's some of you who think otherwise. Like how can baby be adorable. Buek).

She may look grumpy here but she has been a good girl the whole 2 days, sleeping through the night and resting well throughout the day. I hope baby M would follow the trait. Well, they are cousin anyway. Aren't they suppose to be similar in behavior or something haha.

My sister Dibah brave through her delivery without any epidural. I dont think i am that strong, and that i can endure pain that long. My mom gave birth to 10 ourstanding children and i hate to imagine how much pain she went through.

Fingers crossed. Hope everything goes well. Countdown begins.

The grudge of a weekend spouse

Pregnancy hormone has started to hit me hard these last few weeks. Well, mostly at home, where i am very pissy most times. And dear hubby has to bear the grunts and constant sulking i have.

But spending time away doesn't help either. I crave attention when he is home during weekends. And i am jealous of baby M for all these attention that we have given, to make sure that M has all that is needed. And because raising a baby is not cheap, we (or maybe ME) would spend hours everyday on researching for the best deals or planning for M's future already.

Why is this so hard now when we previously embarked on this marriage with me being away in Pasir Gudang Johor Bahru for a good few years. I was a weekend wife. We just spent a good 1 year living together before his project kicked off in full speed and now he is making his weekly travel to Pasir Gudang.

I guess staying alone is hard. Never really thought it through when i insisted that we have a place to finally call our own last year. It does feel quiet here.

So they say that when you marry an oil&gas professionals, these are the kind of emptiness that you have to bear with. You should expect far away posting so that you would be able to enhance your career progression. Hard work pays off, and the further you go, the more you learn. So expect to work in remote city in Sudan, Turkmenistan or Angola, because there is where the bulk of the money is made for the company. Be mentally ready.

I am trying hard to get myself ready now. But this loneliness is killing me. Need. to. keep. myself. ready.

Can't wait to have this precious soul to accompany me when daddy is not around. Have a safe trip sayang, cause we love you.