I think love keeps me going. The enthusiasm of getting to know a person, or the feeling of maybe there will be a slight chance of happiness would be all over me, hence the excitement.
I haven’t felt that for quite a while. I only felt heartbroken. I feel empty.
Furlong said I’ve changed. I think that is very much true.
I am tired of waiting. I am tired of getting hurt. I want to escape. Take a long break from work.. and people.
Sometimes I feel suicidal. I am not sure how I am going to live my life.
Thanks Wan for all the things you’ve done for me. If you didn’t come out as my savior the other day, I would have already done something stupid. You’ve been a great friend. But, why were we not compatible when you understand me so much? Ego got in the way? Did I ask too much?
A person would need a purpose of living.. It’s what some companies normally envision as their mission statement. I think I lack that. I need to have a strong purpose. I need to chart my future.
I am not sure what my goals are. I see myself as very simple, yet people say that I’m complicated. I think I sometimes think too much. I observe, and I put too much thought to it.
You need to just go with the flow. Put on a brave smile every morning, and hide your true emotion. I am already sick with that.
That is woman with emotion. I think my PMS got in the way. That is why this long suicidal note. Don’t worry. I won’t do something stupid, God forbid.
I just need that one sign that everything would be ok. I just need to be with someone normal right now to TELL ME that everything would be ok. I just need that moment in time where I KNOW everything would be ok. I just want TO FEEL that everything would be ok. I won’t ask for more. Would everything be ok?
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Kecamuk Minda Muncul Kembali
I missed calling someone 'sayang'... And i missed being called 'sayang'... I missed being pampered a lot.
Why the sudden emotion?
On Monday, I finally had the 'talk' with Vedder, and I pissed him badly. He ended leaving me at the restaurant. Maybe what I said somewhat triggered his hate towards me. But how can you ever leave a girl in the restaurant, feeling clueless.
Bad enough that you forgot about my birthday, but then you are angry and irritated at me for not remembering or maybe not knowing. Me, being honest, told you everything. It is very stupid being honest, and i am a stupid fool. And then, you paid the check and left. Such a drama king.
If Vedder, the guy i have all this while labelled as a gentleman can do this to me, what about the rest of male population? I feel very low at this point. That explains why i am still in the office at 10 freaking pm wondering about what I'm gonna do with my freaking life.
Then on Tuesday, maybe from the spin-off fight, I got sick. Down with fever and flu, and had to spend my whole day on bed. Well, look at the bright sight. At least it was a good rest.
On Wednesday, which is today, at 10 freaking pm, looking at the monitor thinking about what work TO DO NEXT and upon learning that my collegue Kak I is freaking 40 and not yet married, it scared the living out of me. Will that be me in 15 more years? God Forbid. Don't be too choosy Suhana.
I better stop before I have another breakdown.
Why the sudden emotion?
On Monday, I finally had the 'talk' with Vedder, and I pissed him badly. He ended leaving me at the restaurant. Maybe what I said somewhat triggered his hate towards me. But how can you ever leave a girl in the restaurant, feeling clueless.
Bad enough that you forgot about my birthday, but then you are angry and irritated at me for not remembering or maybe not knowing. Me, being honest, told you everything. It is very stupid being honest, and i am a stupid fool. And then, you paid the check and left. Such a drama king.
If Vedder, the guy i have all this while labelled as a gentleman can do this to me, what about the rest of male population? I feel very low at this point. That explains why i am still in the office at 10 freaking pm wondering about what I'm gonna do with my freaking life.
Then on Tuesday, maybe from the spin-off fight, I got sick. Down with fever and flu, and had to spend my whole day on bed. Well, look at the bright sight. At least it was a good rest.
On Wednesday, which is today, at 10 freaking pm, looking at the monitor thinking about what work TO DO NEXT and upon learning that my collegue Kak I is freaking 40 and not yet married, it scared the living out of me. Will that be me in 15 more years? God Forbid. Don't be too choosy Suhana.
I better stop before I have another breakdown.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Keresahan Dia
So, Mr Vedder wants to have THAT talk. I guess he's tired of waiting for me, and he thinks that he's being played. Is he? He doesn't mind the negative repercussion, and he just wanted it out of his syste for good.
I was furious when I read his sms last night without realizing that it is my fault as much. I keep on delaying this, and it is eating him. I couldn't make up my mind and I let him hang. I guess he had enough.
We went out last night, but I was never in the mood. I am no longer that bubly girl people used to know, instead I changed to this horrid serious girl who have no sense, no purpose.
Munchkin, we are so much alike in many ways. Your experience matured you in many ways. Thank you for sharing and caring.
I've made up my mind. I am going to see him tonight. Hopefully, it ends well. If it doesn't, I am going to lose this beautiful friendship... and hope of a better future.
I was furious when I read his sms last night without realizing that it is my fault as much. I keep on delaying this, and it is eating him. I couldn't make up my mind and I let him hang. I guess he had enough.
We went out last night, but I was never in the mood. I am no longer that bubly girl people used to know, instead I changed to this horrid serious girl who have no sense, no purpose.
Munchkin, we are so much alike in many ways. Your experience matured you in many ways. Thank you for sharing and caring.
I've made up my mind. I am going to see him tonight. Hopefully, it ends well. If it doesn't, I am going to lose this beautiful friendship... and hope of a better future.
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