Indah ke Perkahwinan?

“Too often, the thing we want the most is the one thing we cannot have. Desire leaves us heartbroken , it wears us out. Desire wrecks our life”
Dr Meredith Gray

That was the ultimatum that I had the other day.

There has been so much unhappiness around me lately that I decided that yesterday was the much needed break that I want. Ignore the fact that it was my birthday; I felt that I needed time to reflect upon my life.

I guess I should be happy that I am still non-committed to a single soul. When friends pour out their relationship issues, I feel content that at least I do not have to deal with such heartbreaking dilemma. At least some part of it is true.

We are fools when it comes to love.

We marry young when we think that fulfilling our sexual drive is with utmost importance. Sometimes we succumb to the peer pressure or the longing of our partner for what they say ‘better future’.

Recently, I learned that marriage lives are not all that rosy and wonderful. When I should empathized with the torment my friends are suffering, I feel glad that I did not have anyone to angst about. (Well, who would want to marry me at this state of mind anyways?)

Why make such rash decision about marrying someone when you have a slight doubt about each other. When my best friend got married this year, I asked her over and over again, “Are you sure?” (sorry dear I had to use you as an example, but the fact that you don’t blog and no one knows you made it easier to blog about you. Haha. Forgive me later). They’ve been fighting for as long as I known them made it much harder for me to digest the fact that this girl who’s been my childhood friend is tying the knot with a guy whom she often cries over. But I guess their love for each other was stronger than the petty little things that they fight over.

Some friends of mine didn’t able to hold that love after marriage. What happen in between? Simple.. Men change after they got married.

Male egocentric.. chauvinist… all of the above.

The first half of the year was full of joy and happiness of knowing that your friends are getting married, but lately I have been listening about what he didn’t do, or what he has became after they are legally married. World is so twisted.

We don’t really know our partner very well that when we felt that we’ve made one big mistake, there is no turning back. Before this, there always were the third wheels when we get into a fight, but after married, you are forbidden to tell tale of your marriage to a single soul. Berdosa namanya. In other words, no more bitching about men to your girlfriends, or seeking advice from your male counterpart.

I guess I am never suited for married life, as I fear the commitment I am putting myself into. It’s not that I do not believe in the marriage institution, but is there such magic that led you to believe that investing your whole life to just one person would be wise? What is it likes to love someone madly, that you are willing to wake up next to the same person every single morning?

Sometimes we get married because we needed security. He may not be the one whom we have fallen madly in love with, but the one who would be willing to love us for the rest of their life. Question, should we choose the one who’d love us unconditionally, or the one whom we really long for? Which brings in more happiness?

After talking to a few married ladies, I feel scared about the idea of getting married. If I do get married, I feel like I would go cold feet right before one. Heck, I might not get married, and it scares me more. I am not sure what I want in life, and that is just silly of me.

But maybe its because I have not find the right person for me to spend my whole life with.

Wait, retract that. I have, but he’s non committal.

If he asked me to marry him, I might even give my consent right away. Well, if only…

So, what does that leave me?

A woman with lots of choices?

Girl power?