Please pray for my abah

I looked at his lifeless body and started to think about the many things I have wronged him. Especially when we used to fight a lot when I was in my teens. We have this love hate relationship when I was growing up under his strict army regime. And over the years with many grandchildren, abah has mellowed to this funny granddad but still overprotective father. Over the years, hate has become total love.

You see, abah grew up as a poor boy from Padang Pak Amat, Pasir Putih Kelantan. His IC may indicate that he’s 66 but he could only do his birth certificate much later when he was 12, and driven by the urge to serve the nation longer, he is 4 years younger than his actual age.

He wanted all his kids to grow up successful when he did not have the chance. We were taught to be independent from the time we were small. Probably didn’t have the lavish life that we dream off but we had enough. We were crammed in a small house with the rotan on the wall as a reminder to us on the disciplining needed if we break the value he has impart on us. And he may be stingy (or frugal, how you look at it), but raising 10 kids is no small matter. He was not around most of our childhood because of his posting in Borneo, but we were terrified of him growing up. But all his kids grew up a successful fashion designer, tv/movie producer, banker, engineer, etc etc. Alhamdulillah, he has shape us well.

Abah was admitted to the hospital on Thursday. Over the past several weeks, he has lost at least 7 kg because of the lack of food intake. He lost his appetite and with that, the will to survive. Week after week you would see his body shrink, and the structure of the bones has become more obvious.

There were argument between the doctors from Medical and Surgery in Hospital Selayang about his condition, and I am truly grateful for the kind doctor in Surgery who insists on admitting him. On Friday morning, his condition worsens. He had low blood pressure, low oxygen level and developed high fever, that the doctor decided to punch a hole on his shoulder straight to his heart. He was put on oxygen mask until finally they decided to induce him to sleep so that they can put the oxygen tube in.

They have detected sepsis in his body. And it was just too heartbreaking to see his lifeless body on the hospital bed on Friday afternoon. I wish I was there to say so many things to him before he was put in a coma.

Sepsis is a potentially fatal whole-body inflammation caused by serious infection like bacteria, fungi viruses and parasites in the body. There are millions of deaths every year. In the case of my mom when she went through it 2 years ago, the sepsis was so severe that it developed organ dysfunction. She had to go through dialysis every day then because her kidneys were not working. And the doctor has asked us to fear for the worst.

I wondered how this could have been detected in Hospital Selayang when my dad was only admitted in the reputable Hospital Ampang Puteri a few weeks back with the same prognosis. He was in the hospital for 4 days and discharge with a huge hospital bills at the end just for the doctor to come back and say that there is nothing wrong. Aren’t they obligated to investigate when there is clearly something wrong when his body rejected food intake.

X-ray done on Friday indicated hemorrhaging lung (lung is bleeding) and they suspected leptospirosis (or in Malay term ‘kencing tikus’). They are trying to clear his lung infection before they do scoping to see if there is cancer. I am impressed with the level of professionalism in Hospital Selayang when a private hospital could not give us an answer. The doctor is Selayang Surgery was so motivated to find out what’s wrong with abah as he has vague symptomes and his worsening conditions troubled him the most.

Eventhough my mom has been the ones who has been going in and out of the hospital wheelchair bound, she seems to be the stronger one. When she had sepsis, she stunned the doctor with a miraculous recovery. I remembered seeing abah cried when doctor mentioned about the slim chance for ma to make it through it. That was the very first time abah cried.

Now, Abah seems to be losing that will to live and that scared me the most. I would go to his bed and tell him to stay strong, because I still need him.

“Abah tak tengok lagi anak nana. Nanti nana ada anak siapa nak marah2 dia, disciplinekan dia”. I know he was listening as his breathing became heavier, his mouth twitching. Please God, don’t take him away now.

Please pray for my abah.