I used to be hot, like sizzling hot.
When i started in toastmaster 7 years ago, people would know my name, take my photos to put on the site cause i was very pleasant looking. I used to be so thin that i can dance to Tamil song and stand on top of another famous toastmaster Meyyapa's strong ab and stand for 5 whole second. Well that was before i got married and had a kid.
How time has changed since then.
What it was like then ………
You know how men would do just about anything in that first few months of marriage.
Nowadays, you carry your own handbag and the babies bag, and watch your favorite show alone in the dark after your baby is asleep. If you had any cravings at all, Hubby would look at you and say that perhaps you don’t need that calories anyway cause you need to be losing weight. This is not what he signed up for.
But oh wait. What about what we sign up for.
I used to have so much time for other things.
Shopping for clothes and trying them out. Its the intrincancy of feeling the texture and looking at yourself in front of the mirror. Swirling and making pouty faces. Oh what an experience. Now it's just online shopping. Click and buy.
I used to be able to gossip with my girls until late at night, and go into a club making a diva entrance and hang out all night long. Now it's just whassap and facetime, while the baby is screaming behind.
All your time is for other people and other things.
…. And what I have to do now.
Because i am a perfectionist, i make sure that everything i do for my son is tip top. Well, i plan for his birthdate when i was 3 months pregnant (secretly hoping he would be born on 15-5-15. That did not happen. But at least it was close, 25-5-15). And he had a grand newborn celebration that someone thought i was already doing an early engagement party for him.
And when he was 3 months old, i was already planning for his 1 year birthday party, 9 months early. I devoted my whole time for this little one.
My weekend is spent with his gymboree class in the morning, his sensory class in the afternoon, then Sunday we would go for his baby swim & spa in the morning and some playtime in the afternoon. It was packed!
And sometimes your husband will be back from work and ask you that silly question – are you in the mood? And you roll your eyes and show him that little boy who is running and screaming with only his diapers around the house. Like what kind of question is that?
Your house is in the mess from the spilled over milk and left-over baby porridge, and you can see stains on the carpet and the white wall that you so love.
That’s not it. You had to roll over the entire roll of toilet paper back into the toilet holder and clean the stain from the carpet with the smell still intact.
And I had to admit that .. even strong woman have breakdown
Then i had a breakdown. You feel like you don't want to be a mom, this is not what you have signed up for. That's the truth. That was my struggle.
It happen when my son decided not to take his afternoon nap, and i was so tired from not sleeping the night before. I was really looking forward to those two hours of rest in the afternoon, i sooo needed it.
I sat at the corner of the room just staring at the ceiling while he was still screaming on top of his lung. It felt like hours. I realised that I was having postpartum depression, and a nervous breakdown?
My husband saw me in that state, cleaned the room and kisses me on my head. We sat down and i started crying and at that moment there i knew i am not this supermom that people thought that i am. We talked about how we will manage this and it felt good to be able to let it out and share the struggle i have gone through.
.. And it was just the start to acknowledge that I need me time
I learnt from my episode that i need my own time and that life also revolves around me. I need my me time, and I can only do that when I learn to let go.
So after that I had time doing shopping, testing out new clothes. I also had time to look after myself, changing from a size 12 to size 8, and losing 7kg in the process. I felt good, and I do look good.
Sometimes you just needed that. A much needed reminder before you are able to realize that you also matter. And everytime I look at the mirror, put on my lipstick, I am glad that I actually have time for this now.
So, it’s ok if you are not the supermom, or that you are not perfect. Because it is the imperfection that makes life much more valuable.
When i started in toastmaster 7 years ago, people would know my name, take my photos to put on the site cause i was very pleasant looking. I used to be so thin that i can dance to Tamil song and stand on top of another famous toastmaster Meyyapa's strong ab and stand for 5 whole second. Well that was before i got married and had a kid.
How time has changed since then.
What it was like then ………
You know how men would do just about anything in that first few months of marriage.
- Like holding your handbag and carry it around. Well let’s face it. It’s not the most gentleman thing they would do but they would gladly do it for a women they are crazy about.
- And oh yes. How they would watch Bridget Jones. 10 Things I hate about You, or Legally Blonde, just because you wanted to. And perhaps his whole Netflix is dominated by your favorite show, but he never minded. As long as he gets to spend the time with you. And guess what, they even let you HOLD the remote control. How is that for girl power!
- And if he is sooo crazy about you, he would travel all the way from Shah Alam to Tanjung Malim because you sooo had the cravings for the pau from a specific shop, 98kms away. And you don’t even had to be pregnant to have cravings.
Nowadays, you carry your own handbag and the babies bag, and watch your favorite show alone in the dark after your baby is asleep. If you had any cravings at all, Hubby would look at you and say that perhaps you don’t need that calories anyway cause you need to be losing weight. This is not what he signed up for.
But oh wait. What about what we sign up for.
I used to have so much time for other things.
Shopping for clothes and trying them out. Its the intrincancy of feeling the texture and looking at yourself in front of the mirror. Swirling and making pouty faces. Oh what an experience. Now it's just online shopping. Click and buy.
I used to be able to gossip with my girls until late at night, and go into a club making a diva entrance and hang out all night long. Now it's just whassap and facetime, while the baby is screaming behind.
All your time is for other people and other things.
…. And what I have to do now.
Because i am a perfectionist, i make sure that everything i do for my son is tip top. Well, i plan for his birthdate when i was 3 months pregnant (secretly hoping he would be born on 15-5-15. That did not happen. But at least it was close, 25-5-15). And he had a grand newborn celebration that someone thought i was already doing an early engagement party for him.
And when he was 3 months old, i was already planning for his 1 year birthday party, 9 months early. I devoted my whole time for this little one.
My weekend is spent with his gymboree class in the morning, his sensory class in the afternoon, then Sunday we would go for his baby swim & spa in the morning and some playtime in the afternoon. It was packed!
And sometimes your husband will be back from work and ask you that silly question – are you in the mood? And you roll your eyes and show him that little boy who is running and screaming with only his diapers around the house. Like what kind of question is that?
Your house is in the mess from the spilled over milk and left-over baby porridge, and you can see stains on the carpet and the white wall that you so love.
That’s not it. You had to roll over the entire roll of toilet paper back into the toilet holder and clean the stain from the carpet with the smell still intact.
And I had to admit that .. even strong woman have breakdown
Then i had a breakdown. You feel like you don't want to be a mom, this is not what you have signed up for. That's the truth. That was my struggle.
It happen when my son decided not to take his afternoon nap, and i was so tired from not sleeping the night before. I was really looking forward to those two hours of rest in the afternoon, i sooo needed it.
I sat at the corner of the room just staring at the ceiling while he was still screaming on top of his lung. It felt like hours. I realised that I was having postpartum depression, and a nervous breakdown?
My husband saw me in that state, cleaned the room and kisses me on my head. We sat down and i started crying and at that moment there i knew i am not this supermom that people thought that i am. We talked about how we will manage this and it felt good to be able to let it out and share the struggle i have gone through.
.. And it was just the start to acknowledge that I need me time
I learnt from my episode that i need my own time and that life also revolves around me. I need my me time, and I can only do that when I learn to let go.
So after that I had time doing shopping, testing out new clothes. I also had time to look after myself, changing from a size 12 to size 8, and losing 7kg in the process. I felt good, and I do look good.
Sometimes you just needed that. A much needed reminder before you are able to realize that you also matter. And everytime I look at the mirror, put on my lipstick, I am glad that I actually have time for this now.
So, it’s ok if you are not the supermom, or that you are not perfect. Because it is the imperfection that makes life much more valuable.
