Baby is Coming .. So When do the Tears Come?

The 2 most anticipated pregnancy moment eagerly awaited by expecting mom is to hear that first heart beat and baby’s first kick. I was excited yes, but there was no teary moment or that sappy sentimental mode that lasted for days.

You see, we waited so long for the baby that there was supposed to be drama ensued. Instead we looked at the doctor half disbelief. Like when he told me, “Puan Suhana, you are pregnant” with that straight cold face, the first reaction that came out of me was, “Are you sure?”, “Oh ok”. It’s as if you are replying to your boss or just another colleague that emotionless “Noted with thanks” instant reply, just to formally capture an acknowledgement of a response back.

I am still waiting for that heartbreaking teary moment where I would burst into tears, but we have been handling this with a lot of calmness. Yeay, baby is coming. Now let’s start planning this… and that… and yeah those too.. and why not that…. It seems like this has not sunk in yet.

Maybe later, when the back pain is unbearable and there shall be more crams at nights to wake up for. Or when I would eventually stop my planning-mode and just enjoy every single baby’s movement, maybe the tears would come … eventually.  

Dhiya Qishrina, the latest Sidik addition (and NO, not mine)

Meet Dhiya Qishrina, 2 days old. She caused quite a stir on my facebook timeline today, as people confused her with baby M. Oh no, i still have 2 months to go before baby M see the world.

But look at that angelic face. It's amazing how babies can look so peaceful, so perfect and adorable in many ways (but i know there's some of you who think otherwise. Like how can baby be adorable. Buek).

She may look grumpy here but she has been a good girl the whole 2 days, sleeping through the night and resting well throughout the day. I hope baby M would follow the trait. Well, they are cousin anyway. Aren't they suppose to be similar in behavior or something haha.

My sister Dibah brave through her delivery without any epidural. I dont think i am that strong, and that i can endure pain that long. My mom gave birth to 10 ourstanding children and i hate to imagine how much pain she went through.

Fingers crossed. Hope everything goes well. Countdown begins.

The grudge of a weekend spouse

Pregnancy hormone has started to hit me hard these last few weeks. Well, mostly at home, where i am very pissy most times. And dear hubby has to bear the grunts and constant sulking i have.

But spending time away doesn't help either. I crave attention when he is home during weekends. And i am jealous of baby M for all these attention that we have given, to make sure that M has all that is needed. And because raising a baby is not cheap, we (or maybe ME) would spend hours everyday on researching for the best deals or planning for M's future already.

Why is this so hard now when we previously embarked on this marriage with me being away in Pasir Gudang Johor Bahru for a good few years. I was a weekend wife. We just spent a good 1 year living together before his project kicked off in full speed and now he is making his weekly travel to Pasir Gudang.

I guess staying alone is hard. Never really thought it through when i insisted that we have a place to finally call our own last year. It does feel quiet here.

So they say that when you marry an oil&gas professionals, these are the kind of emptiness that you have to bear with. You should expect far away posting so that you would be able to enhance your career progression. Hard work pays off, and the further you go, the more you learn. So expect to work in remote city in Sudan, Turkmenistan or Angola, because there is where the bulk of the money is made for the company. Be mentally ready.

I am trying hard to get myself ready now. But this loneliness is killing me. Need. to. keep. myself. ready.

Can't wait to have this precious soul to accompany me when daddy is not around. Have a safe trip sayang, cause we love you. 

happy birthday abah

Happy birthday abah. 

Yesterday, Rubi insisted that we go to the cake shop and get a birthday cake for abah. So we went to La Bohema late last night and bought a delicious chocolate cake with specially written 'Happy birthday Abah' on the cake. 

Today, she wore a new shirt because it's his birthday. She then put on a new baju kurung and recited Yasin with me at the kubur. But at the end, she cried so loud like it was only yesterday that abah left us. 

Eventhough she's 27, her mind is only a developed 10 year old. Sometimes she doesn't understand the world, and it hurts when she would asked whether abah would come back after day-40. But she has changed so much abah, because she loves you so very much.

Happy birthday abah. 
Rubi cut the cake for you today. We know you would love the chocolate cake as much as we did. 

Denial. Anger. Depression. Acceptance. I love you abah.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

I think I have well mastered the Kubler-Ross’s model, having experienced the various emotional stages Dr Elisabeth noted in these last 10 days. Death is indeed a life-altering event. And I can’t imagine going through this again.

The initial mode of somber that followed….

Denial. How is it possible that this army man with his strict military routine - who would do chores and groceries when my mom lost her ability to walk, who would scold us when we were loud, who would tell us off when we are wrong, who had made tremendous sacrifice to leave his life in Kelantan to come to KL … goes this soon? It was only a couple of month’s back that I had an argument with him. It was a couple of weeks ago that he came and visits the house after my operation. And wasn’t it a couple of days before that the doctor said he could come home in the next 1-2 weeks? The last I saw you were on Thursday when you tried to open the cloth that they tied your hand to because you didn’t want to use the breathing mask, and I massage your back because you were not able to sleep. They told me that you were doing so well on Friday. So you can’t be gone the next day. Not that soon.

Anger. I felt that you didn’t even try to get better. You lost the appetite to eat, and with that the will to live. How can a person lose so much weight and until today, the doctor could not explain the symptom and cause. Abah, how can you leave us when I still could not give you grandchildren? Who would scold my children when they are naughty, or to instill discipline in them when they are a snob? Why didn’t you fight when your BP went down further, and further, until that heart rate was just a linear line. Don’t you love us enough?

And I was angry with others who I thought would be there to be my pillar of strength but was nowhere to be found. I was angry at the world for taking you away when there are so much that I have not done for you. There was so much rage about the very little time that we had together.

Depression. The final moment when everything began to lose meaning. I was busy with work, with toastmaster, with my other life .. that I never had enough time for you. If only I had finished work earlier on Friday to spend some quality time with you for the very last time, or not going to toastmaster on Saturday morning so that you can acknowledge this daughter of yours before they inserted the tube and sedate you for good. How can one person be such a workaholic when no amount of work and recognition can ever replace you? I chose not to talk to people who don’t bring meaning to my life. And I ignored everything, literally everything because the thought of anything besides our family-time just further demotivated me. And the same questions repeatedly haunt me, “Why didn’t i… Why wasn’t i… Why couldn’t i….Why… Why…”

I could be smiling and laughing when I’m with the family as we speak about fond memories of you, but I would curl back to depression when I am by myself or at the kubur when I think of you. Did I make you proud abah?

And finally, when reality hits.

A toastmaster friend reminded me of a speech I listened to on Saturday, very apt, about the 4 important word that I should never forget, “It’s gonna be OK”. And with that, I brave it through and decided to forge ahead in this new chapter of my life.

Acceptance. I bought a new book on happiness, something that Da and I have promised to start our book club with. And with that came many resolutions about making myself happy. I started to do things which I have put off for the longest time like gardening. And I am on the path on ticking off many more resolution; perhaps to put my mind off thinking of the many things I could not do with abah. 

And hey, i am coming back to work tomorrow after a long disappearance. Slowly, but surely. 

Yesterday my sister shared a photo of abah at the last Raya Haji, when the sharp edge of the parang accidently made a large cut on his leg when we were doing the korban. I was there and I remembered it clearly. He initially refused to seek medication because he wanted to be there throughout to supervise our ‘work’ at the slaughter area. He did not feel any pain and rush back to our table to ensure that cow meat were divided equally and the right plastic bag is used for the different parts. 

That was abah, always trying to take control.

You won’t be around to supervise us this year abah, but you have taught us well. We will carry the tradition in years to come in your remembrance and strive to become better person.

We will take care of ma and Rubi and fulfil your last amanat. 

I will only post of happy things about you after this. And the happiness project shall begin.

Please pray for my abah

I looked at his lifeless body and started to think about the many things I have wronged him. Especially when we used to fight a lot when I was in my teens. We have this love hate relationship when I was growing up under his strict army regime. And over the years with many grandchildren, abah has mellowed to this funny granddad but still overprotective father. Over the years, hate has become total love.

You see, abah grew up as a poor boy from Padang Pak Amat, Pasir Putih Kelantan. His IC may indicate that he’s 66 but he could only do his birth certificate much later when he was 12, and driven by the urge to serve the nation longer, he is 4 years younger than his actual age.

He wanted all his kids to grow up successful when he did not have the chance. We were taught to be independent from the time we were small. Probably didn’t have the lavish life that we dream off but we had enough. We were crammed in a small house with the rotan on the wall as a reminder to us on the disciplining needed if we break the value he has impart on us. And he may be stingy (or frugal, how you look at it), but raising 10 kids is no small matter. He was not around most of our childhood because of his posting in Borneo, but we were terrified of him growing up. But all his kids grew up a successful fashion designer, tv/movie producer, banker, engineer, etc etc. Alhamdulillah, he has shape us well.

Abah was admitted to the hospital on Thursday. Over the past several weeks, he has lost at least 7 kg because of the lack of food intake. He lost his appetite and with that, the will to survive. Week after week you would see his body shrink, and the structure of the bones has become more obvious.

There were argument between the doctors from Medical and Surgery in Hospital Selayang about his condition, and I am truly grateful for the kind doctor in Surgery who insists on admitting him. On Friday morning, his condition worsens. He had low blood pressure, low oxygen level and developed high fever, that the doctor decided to punch a hole on his shoulder straight to his heart. He was put on oxygen mask until finally they decided to induce him to sleep so that they can put the oxygen tube in.

They have detected sepsis in his body. And it was just too heartbreaking to see his lifeless body on the hospital bed on Friday afternoon. I wish I was there to say so many things to him before he was put in a coma.

Sepsis is a potentially fatal whole-body inflammation caused by serious infection like bacteria, fungi viruses and parasites in the body. There are millions of deaths every year. In the case of my mom when she went through it 2 years ago, the sepsis was so severe that it developed organ dysfunction. She had to go through dialysis every day then because her kidneys were not working. And the doctor has asked us to fear for the worst.

I wondered how this could have been detected in Hospital Selayang when my dad was only admitted in the reputable Hospital Ampang Puteri a few weeks back with the same prognosis. He was in the hospital for 4 days and discharge with a huge hospital bills at the end just for the doctor to come back and say that there is nothing wrong. Aren’t they obligated to investigate when there is clearly something wrong when his body rejected food intake.

X-ray done on Friday indicated hemorrhaging lung (lung is bleeding) and they suspected leptospirosis (or in Malay term ‘kencing tikus’). They are trying to clear his lung infection before they do scoping to see if there is cancer. I am impressed with the level of professionalism in Hospital Selayang when a private hospital could not give us an answer. The doctor is Selayang Surgery was so motivated to find out what’s wrong with abah as he has vague symptomes and his worsening conditions troubled him the most.

Eventhough my mom has been the ones who has been going in and out of the hospital wheelchair bound, she seems to be the stronger one. When she had sepsis, she stunned the doctor with a miraculous recovery. I remembered seeing abah cried when doctor mentioned about the slim chance for ma to make it through it. That was the very first time abah cried.

Now, Abah seems to be losing that will to live and that scared me the most. I would go to his bed and tell him to stay strong, because I still need him.

“Abah tak tengok lagi anak nana. Nanti nana ada anak siapa nak marah2 dia, disciplinekan dia”. I know he was listening as his breathing became heavier, his mouth twitching. Please God, don’t take him away now.

Please pray for my abah. 

Why I am in Love with Simon Sinek's Start with WHY

Most companies know exactly HOW to promote their brand and WHAT their product does. But some could not clearly articulate WHY they do WHAT they do. And this is what Simon Sinek’s Golden Circle entail – “If enough of us learn about the existence of the WHY and work hard to start everything we do with WHY, we can and will change the world”.

Take Apple for example. Most would agree that the company is highly successful because of Steve Job’s vision of the world with Apple.  Unlike other products that market its exclusivity and try to give compelling evidence why it is the best, Steve always speak about the WHY: of Apple intended vision in challenging the status quo. And soon after, it became a major success story. As Sinek rightfully put it, “people don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it”

That is so true. I fell in love with the book (ok not so much the author) and it is now a favourite of mine. Not gonna be revealing too much details cause i would strongly urge you to read through the initial few pages and you would know why this book has become my no 1 reference. 

I would highly recommend you to get the book to own as a guide when you have lost that sense of purpose. Always start with WHY, and success will come. 

How Toastmaster helps you to become better speaker

It takes courage to stand in front of people and deliver a speech. Even nerve-wrecking is getting on that dreadful elevator ride with the big boss as you are not able to sustain a conversation besides a simple greeting.

Whether one aims to give a convincing presentation at the next management seating or even secretly planted hopes to be a stand-up comedian one day, good skills in communication is necessary. In order for one to become good at public speaking, one must be able to practice the art of speaking in a safe environment where mistakes are welcome for learning purposes. This was the sole intention that PESONA Toastmasters Club was established by Technical Global (previously PCSB Development Division) in 2008.

The club aimed at enhancing public speaking skills by providing a supportive and informal atmosphere where members can practice speaking to different crowds on a variety of subjects. Currently, the Toastmaster International fraternity spreads out globally in 122 countries with 292,000 members in 14,350 clubs.

There are 3 main parts to a toastmaster meeting – 1) Table Topic session, where members can practise their “Thinking and Speaking extemporaneously on their feet” skills, 2) Prepared speech session, where members will be delivering speeches based on the manuals provided by the Toastmaster International, and 3) Evaluation session, where members will be given recommendation to further improve their speaking ability.

PESONA Toastmaster club has in the past hosted many inspirational session with many local and International speakers for the benefit of PETRONAS staff, ie. Stephen Fernando, Malaysian champion in Public Speaking and Darren Lacroix, World Champion in Public Speaking. Both events were attended by more than 150 staffs from all over PETRONAS.

One particular member, Rosidah Hardiani is a proud member of the club and manage to carry the Toastmaster banner and posed with it atop the Mount Kinabalu. Her steely resolve in conquering the peak was clearly as strong as her unspoken dedication to self-improvement in Toastmasters. According to her, “Toastmasters helps me to unleash my potential: a journey to elevate my communication & leadership skills, helping others, and to be more myself”

Guests are welcomed to join club meetings every first and third Thursday of every month. For further information about toastmaster, please don’t hesitate to contact its President Suhana Sidik or the Vice President of Public Relation, Hanan Othman to know more about the Toastmasters and what we can do for you in terms of developing effective and efficient public speaking skills.

Hope to see you at our next meeting.