Understanding Engineers

Got this from a friend. Damn funny...

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UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across the campus when onesaid, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well,I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" the priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Four

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I

promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman,"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Eight

One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool”

WGC 2012

So, another CSR yet again.

www.wgc2012.com

I'm the Youth team leader. yee haa.... bestnya. Many more fun and updates to do.

About Getting Old

Lately, I felt tire out. It’s either I am getting too old, or that I am living an ‘ageing’ life.

It is getting to me lately, of whether I am doing things right, or whether at least, I am headed to the right path.

I think I am not a strong person, though people may seem to think otherwise. Everyone have their weaknesses, and mine is that I am just not strong at heart. There goes the time when I condemned IMN, that I now realizes that I am just like him in every sense.

God, give me faith, give me courage. Let me be strong.

Let my life have a happy ending… soon.

Disorder in the American Courts

Got this from a forwarded email. Quite damn funny.....

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

Where is the Future for MCA?

Somewhat interesting:

• Four central committee members appointed by Datuk Seri Ong Tee Keat but aligned to Liow were sacked this morning
• The central committee also voted to reinstate Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soi Lek as deputy president
• NOW -> Newly demoted former MCA deputy president Datuk Seri Liow Tiong Lai is now pressing ahead for fresh party polls

So, where is the future?

Jenaka Hujung Minggu - How the Fight Starts

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started..
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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Malaysia Budget 2010

I just got back from another big Toastmaster event - District 51 Semi Annual Convention in Genting. Should have taken Monday off, but my leave was cancelled due to some 'urgent' work i need to attend to. So yeah, there goes the well deserving break and a week of flu and bad cough all week long.

One of the exciting thing that happen over the weekend was the 2010 Budget and so that i don't forget, this is a recap (taken off Zana from a website she browsed through - i think it was Bernama/Reuters). Enjoy:

2010 BUDGET BUSINESS HIGHLIGHTS

2010 BUDGET BUSINESS HIGHLIGHTS

* Malaysia economy to grow 2-3 per cent in 2010

* Mining to grow 1.1 per cent, manufacturing sector 1.7 per cent, agriculture 2.5 per cent, construction 3.2 per cent and service 3.6 per cent.

* Private consumption expand 2.9 per cent while private investment 3.4 per cent

* Per capita income to increase by 2.5 per cent to RM24,661

* TNB to spend RM5 billion to implement electricity generation, transmission and distribution projects in 2010.

* Individual tax relief on broadband subscription fee up to RM500 a year from 2010 to 2012.

* Public-private collaborations to include an integrated immigration, customs and quarantine complex in Bukit Kayu Hitam, construction of six UiTM campuses and the development of MATRADE centre

* 1Malaysia Development Bhd (1MDB) will establish a corporate social responsibility fund totalling RM100 million as a start to finance community activities

* Government to allocate RM899 million to intensify tourism industry.

* Government to enhance tax incentives for healthcare service providers who offer services to foreign health tourists with income tax exemptions of 100 per cent on the value of increased exports from 50 per cent previously.

* Individual taxpayers to be given tax relief on broadband subscription fee up to RM500 a year from 2010 to 2012

* Civil servants are eligible to apply for computer loans once in every three years and up to a maximum of RM5,000 from the government once in every five years

* Formulate Halal Act in collaboration with State Islamic Religious Councils.

* To corporatise the Halal Industry Development Corporation as an agency under MITI

* Intensify Halal Certification by the Islamic Development Department of Malaysia (JAKIM) by collaborating with international institutions to obtain standards certification such as HACCP ad GMP.

* To provide RM24 million to develop halal products anti-smuggling system at three entry points and three main ports.

* Allocate RM137 million to upgrade and improve drainage and irrigation infrastructures in paddy fields involving 180,000 farmers.

* To provide RM70 million to build the Paya Peda Dam Project in Terengganu to increase water supply capacity to paddy irrigation scheme in Besut.

* Allocate RM82 million to modernise aquaculture industry and conduct entrepreneurship training scheme for aquaculture breeders with focus on production of fish fry and ornamental fish.

* “The stock market will be further liberalised to enhance its efficiency as well as attract domestic and foreign investment. For this purpose, the government will undertake the following measures: First, liberalise the commission sharing arrangements between stockbrokers and remisiers in 2 stages to encrouage retail participation in the stock market. The first stage, which takes effect immediately, allows flexible brokerage sharing at a minimum rate of 40 percent for remisiers. The commission sharing will be fully liberalised in the second stage, effective 1 January 2011.

* “Allow 100 per cent foreign equity participation in corporate finance and financial planning companies compared with the present requirement of at least 30 per cent local shareholding.

* “Islamic banking assets account for 18.8 per cent of Malaysia’s total banking assets while takaful industry assets contribute 7.7 per cent of total insurance and takaful industry assets. To ensure rapid development of financial services, particulalrly in Islmaic finance, the government proposes that the existing tax incentives be extended to 2015.

* “The government is currently at the final stage of completing the study on the implementation of goods and services tax (GST), particularly to identify the social impact of GST on the people. The purpose of this study is to ensure that if GST needs to be implemented to stabilised Government finance, it will not burden the population. “If the government implements GST, it will replace the current sales tax and service tax as well as exemption will be granted to the low income group. The GST rate to be imposed will be lower than the current sales tax and service tax rates.

* “The government needs to ensure that the Malaysian tax system is equitable and able to generate revenue for development purposes. In line with this, the government proposes that a tax of five per cent be imposed on gains from the disposal of real property from 1 January 2010.

* Effective Jan 1 2010, government agrees to allow agencies to retain 50 per cent of rentals received while the remaining 50 per cent will be remitted to the government as revenue.

* The Government will implement fuel subsidy management system in early 2010.

* The Government proposes the maximum income tax rate to be further reduced to 26 per cent from 27 per cent effective from the 2010 year of assessment.

* Maximum tax rate for cooperatives will be reduced to 26 per cent while the fixed tax rate for non-resident individuals will be cut to 26 per cent.

* Personal tax relief will be increased to RM9,000 from RM8,000 effective from the 2010 year of assessment.

* The Government also proposes income tax on employment income of Malaysians and foreign knowledge workers residing and working in Iskandar Malaysia be imposed at 15 per cent compared with the maximum 26 per cent for the rest of the country.

* Government to launch a scheme in January 2010 that enables EPF contributors to utilise current and future savings in Account 2 to promote house ownership.

* RM14.8 billion is allocated to manage, build and upgrade hospitals and clinics.

* The Government will issue 1Malaysia Sukuk totalling RM3 billion.

* The Government will establish the 1Malaysia Retirement Scheme to be administrated by EPF.

* Employees EPF contributions will be raised again to 11 per cent on a voluntary basis with immediate effect. However, from Jan 1, 2011 employees' EPF contribution will revert to 11 per cent.

* The Government proposes existing personal tax relief of RM6,000 for EPF contributions and life insurance premiums be raised to RM7,000.

* Government allocates RM2.3 billion to build and upgrade infrastructures in rural areas.

* Government provides RM41 million to improve income and quality of life of the Orang Asli Community by implementing various projects.

* Budget 2010 allocations totalled RM191.5 billion, of which RM138.3 billion is for operating expenditure and RM53.2 billion for development expenditure.

* Federal Government revenue in 2010 to decline by 8.4 per cent to RM148.8 billion.

* Budget deficit at 5.6 per cent of GDP compared with 7.4 per cent in 2009.

Forgot to mention about the RM50 charges on credit card users - what a load of bull.

Episode Geram: Malaysian Mentality

So i really hate all this Malaysian mentality. Da! what's up with all this politeness and all those so-called Asian courtesy- err, are you confuse between courtesy with just being stupidly-arrogant? Scenario today:

1. "Why your staff tak senyum kat i tu? Dia tak suka i ke?" I entered the bosses office and handed him the info he wanted. There was another lady in the office talking on the phone, and i did not stop,greet and smile at her. So i don't have the courtesy? What the!!!? Its not like i went to throw a banana at her, or put on a long face being displease at her presence there. I just didn't look at her and happily smile WHILE SHE WAS IN A FREAKING CONVERSATION. I thought it was rude to interrupt someone who's on a MIDDLE of a conversation? And apa peduli aku. Do i really have to be nice to every single person on earth!

2. You should address an older person by their title - in Malaysia, that means En, Puan, Cik etc. In anywhere else, you don't address people as Mr, Mrs, Miss something unless you are really trying to be those proper aristocrat (i think). Why do you have to call people by title (unless its a Datuk, Datuk Seri, Tan Sri, etc) if you are doing it on a professional level? Hmm.. i may be a bit bias here, but unless you are at least a Senior Manager or General Manager in my company, i don't think much of you. Professionally, everyone should be the same.

So yeah, i am being bitchy today. Probably didnt feel much loved these past few days.

Until then, the bitchiness rest.